It was the third day of Ramadan 1434.
My
mother wrote to me something I now cannot recall. I just knew it was beautiful
– the message and the writing itself. It was written in colourful letters, I
can only recall the two O’s standing next to one another resembling a pair of
eyes painted in white with spectacles familiar in those comics; the eyebrows
were curving, the left side was half raised, giving me a somewhat tantalising
look.
Do you ever have that one kind of unsaid
and indescribable feeling? You feel it, but you don’t know what is it that
you’re feeling. Your mind goes haywire sometimes, trying to verbalize them in
proper words.
So, I had this one feeling since I was
15. I never knew what was it – but I could feel it. And I never cared to think
about it, anyway. One day earlier this year, I wanted to get this feeling
straight in my head that I tried to explain about it to one of my close friends.
I tried, but I failed. I was almost there, but it just didn’t entirely spilled
out.
I went back home with my head running
wild : “What is this feeling?”And only weeks after that, I was certain about
it. Only after giving it a deep thought, I succeeded in my attempt to explain
my own feeling. Confusing, really, isn't it? It was quite a long time though,
having had to feel it for nearly 5 years. Fiuhh!
One thing I was absolutely sure, often I
felt this feeling when I came across a word. Whenever my ears caught someone
saying this word, or, whenever I saw that word somewhere between the lines of
sentences in the books I read, this feeling hit me naturally. Instinctively it
came, without me even inviting it.
So, what is this feeling?
Since I want you to feel this too, I’ll
give you two situations; A and B.
Situation A: You’ve never once in your
entire life been to Baitullah, you have never laid your eyes on the Kaabah
before. One day, your friend shows you his or her pictures in Masjidilharam,
with the Kaabah standing right behind him or her, magnificent in all ways. You
wonder, how big is the Kaabah, how high is it? How long does it take to walk
from one corner to another? Is it a perfect square or rectangular in shape? How
does it feel like to do the Tawaf all around it, with other Muslims from all
over the world? How does it feel like to perform the five daily prayers in the
Masjidilharam with the Kaabah standing just right before your eyes? You wonder
and you ponder. You wish you can be there too someday, because you too long to see
it and you miss it despite the fact of never being there, because you want to
create the memories of your own; “O Allah, ease my way to visit the Baitullah
someday.”
Situation B: Let’s say, you’d been to
Baitullah before, you’d seen the Kaabah with your own two eyes. You knew precisely
the tranquility you breathed in the moment you stepped into the Masjidilharam,
how the admiration melted into amazement, – your tongue went twisted, you’re speechless,
you had goose bumps all over you, and a sudden feeling of blessing mixed
together with sorrow began to sink in you – Alhamdulillah, you’ve made it
there! You lived every waking minute there to its fullest. And you went back
home with all the memories running in your blood, fresh and vivid. Now that the
time passes, the memories eventually turn into a feeling of longing to once
again be there, just like the leaves growing on a tree, marked by tardy but
real growth. You miss every inch of the Baitullah, you miss the smell and the
sound of it, you crave to indulge in the sensation again –if you’re given the
chance.
I believe, you must have been longing to
see the Baitullah and missing it with every
single beat of your heart whether or not you have been there before – if
you’re a Muslim. Now, you do miss it, but, which one do you think pains you the
most? Is it the missing because you never once in your whole life set your eyes
on it, or, is it the missing because you once used to be there that you want to
live the memories again? Which one saddens you the most? Situation A, or B?
To me, it’s neither A nor B. It is, on
the other hand, missing but not knowing what is it that makes you yearn for it,
that kills you the most. You miss something, or someone, or somewhere, but you
don’t know why you long for it. You miss it so dearly because you simply want
to create your own memories or because you want to live the memories again for
one more time?
I am sad because I don’t know which one
of it saddens me the most. And I don’t know which one of it saddens me because
I am standing on the edge of the two situations.
That’s how I felt – and I still feel it
– whenever I heard of the word “MOTHER..”
I awoke to a dream. It
was 4.30 in the morning, there was no colourful writing whatsoever. I dreamt of
my mother. “Dreams fulfill unfulfilled dreams”, is it not?
NOTE : Never forget to pray for our
loved ones that Allah will bless them, no matter how far we go, wherever and
whenever. One
thing for sure : appreciate them while they’re and you’re still around, let
them know how much you love them. <3
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